mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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