Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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