I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize