Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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