i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
