White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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