After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
