I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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