Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
