my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Randomize
