Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
