im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
