i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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