so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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