I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
