My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
bring money and cleavage
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
