just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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