So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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