people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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