I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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