Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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