If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
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