She said her name was "party"
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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