I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
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In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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