clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
