Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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