I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
