i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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