he wants to bone in the snuggie
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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