6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
