yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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