I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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