If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
