Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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