The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
