you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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