I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
