Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
