Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
