Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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