But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
