I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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