somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
