i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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