I'm gonna have a badass scar
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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