I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
