new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
