So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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