Your dad touched me again.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
