So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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