Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
