I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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