every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
