so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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